What’s better than waking up at 12 on a lazy Monday afternoon? Waking up at 1, for sure. This has been my routine since last Thursday when I ended my first set of university exams. It was awful, complete chaos and total bullshit the whole way of course. Last Wednesday this time, I swear I was on the verge of death, trying to cram 13-14 weeks of literature and south-east asian history for a mere 2 ½ hr exam the very next day. Since I was already flat on my back and so defeated (not really like I fought though anyway), I thought, why not just go all out and die. Academically, I mean. Just take the easy way out and watch Glee. And so I did.

That’s precisely my problem. I’m so pathetic. I just give up/give in and then hope so hard the next day that I’d somehow manage to pull through or just pray like I’ve never done before (and I mean this literally unfortunately) that God would somehow grant me a miracle and let me pass. But then, no one aims for “pass” you know. No one except me. Everyone wants As and I mean, so do I but I know I’m not capable of it so I just settle for whatever I can realistically achieve given my last minute, shoddy work attitude. I don’t know, maybe it’s the 8-month long hiatus from studying after A’s that really got me thinking that I’d rather just do anything else than just study and read book after book after book after book. Like I love lit, but it’s not like I’m in love with it. Everyone else in this course clearly is though making like endless lit references to every single thing, which is like, “Ok, great for you!” but not so great for me because I haven’t fully read any of my texts yet so I totally don’t get the joke. I guess I just wish I was more inspired like the rest of them are. But then again, if being inspired means raving about playing neopets before the American Lit paper the very next day because I’ve apparently already finish my bout of studying, like the dude who sat next to me during Survey of English Lit was, I want nothing of it. Anyway, after every exam, I’d make the promise and vow I would never repeat the whole saga again. Let’s just see how this works out come second semester next year. Forecast is cloudy, hazy and just downright bleak but at the same time, I’m always so positively hopeful about everything in life. Like I could see a person on the street with no feet but I’m sure to go ahead and say something like, “don’t worry, I’m sure your feet grow back one day. Just don’t lose hope ok?” in like my most reassuring voice ever. Oh man this insane positivity is seriously going to ruin me one day.  

 Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to rise up from. Like we’ve all occasionally heard great academic success stories that go something along the lines of how perhaps an EM3 (do they still have this in primary school nowadays?) kid suddenly sees the light, studies so hard for his PSLE, makes it to a stellar secondary school, but oh wait, his dad dies and so he meets a bunch of thugs that peer pressure him into taking drugs. Gets caught my the police but they can’t send him to jail cos he’s underage but while under reformative training in a boy’s home, he turns over a new leaf and attends like an Adam Khoo seminar or something and suddenly has just made it in life. What I mean to say is that I’ve never had to go through any kind of hardship in order to sort of prove my worth, so it’s like when I’m down, I’m just down and I possess no ounce of fighting spirit I’d very much like to say I have. I guess I’m alot like our Singapore lions with their showing at the latest SEA Games, which by the way, totally distracted me along the course of study break too.  When the going gets tough, I basically “lepak” and “relak one corner”, as true as to my half-Malay parentage as can be. I mean it’s either that, or I go along with my i/c and then it’s full-out Pakistani on self-destroy mode, suicide bomber style. Despite all this, I have the capacity to spur other people on in their own quest to finish the school year/national exams/tests whatever, but I can’t do it for myself. Point is, I’m so unmotivated right now.

As I jot this down, I’m thinking, “Why can’t I be Samantha Brown?” and “I really still hate Tintin” (an opinion I also aired via twitter that sparked controversial debate, courtesy of my t2 classmates haha). To all of this I say, put the worries on hold la.  Anyway, tomorrow, I die temporarily for 135 minutes because I will be watching Breaking Dawn for god knows what reason with my pals. Oh dear god I just found out that it’s Breaking Dawn Part 1. There’s TWO parts to this horror??? I mean I already had my dose with Sam watching 23:59 followed by a Malay horror movie after! Plus I watched Kumar in drag last night, and also saw a video of Fernando Torres the other day!  The nightmares just keep on coming I tell you. Whatever la, there’s Wicked to look forward to at the theaters and plus, FOH has basically forced us to watch it all together on the 4th of December before the opening!Shruthi will also be back on the 10th and there’s the Yule market on that very day too!  So things are good for now. On the whole la. Generally speaking.